So lost

Today was a very difficult day.  We found out that one of our precious twins did not make it.  Seems he/she passed away shortly after our last ultrasound.

Looking back I knew something was wrong since Thursday.  I started to experience some bleeding and very mild cramping.  The bleeding stayed brown and very light so I tried to convince myself it was nothing.  I was seeing my OB the following week so no point in doing anything right?  Even if I had gotten checked right away it would not have changed the outcome but I knew deep down something was wrong but I brushed it off as being paranoid.  Brown bleeding is nothing to worry about right?  It stopped by Sunday so I hoped everything was ok.

This morning we had our first OB appointment.  I went in with excitement but was pretty stressed and hoping we'd get some reassurance.  It's routine to go for an u/s before appointments when you're high risk so that's what we did.

I knew right away when I got to get a good look at the screen that something was wrong.  One baby was wriggly and kicking all over the place, the other was much smaller (looked the same as last time really) and not moving.  There was no flicker.  The tech wasn't supposed to tell us anything but I point blank asked her to confirm that there was no heartbeat and she confirmed my fear.

We were then led directly to an office where we got to meat the OB for the first time and he confirmed for sure that one twin was gone.  Thankfully the other baby is doing great, measuring right on track, at 11 weeks strong heartbeat of 171.  He confirmed to us that physically,  losing one twin has little impact on the second twin,  if anything it gives this little guy a better chance since a singleton pregnancy is way less risky than a twin.  Emotionally however it's a different story.  We are going back in 2 weeks for IPS testing and another u/s.  If everything looks good we might see him once more a month later but oherwise we go back to my GP as a normal low risk singleton pregnancy.

I am having a hard time dealing with all of this.  I know I should be thankful for the one remaining but it's hard to be right now.  I am just missing the one that is gone.  It's sort of like telling someone who has an older child who has a miscarriage that at least they have that child.  It doesn't make that loss hurt less.

With a normal miscarriage you get the physical side of things that helps make things more real and concrete so you can deal and move on.  I don't have that.  Instead I am carrying my dead baby inside me.  It may get reabsorbed or it may just stay there for the remainder of the pregnancy.  I found it hard seeing the other baby kicking and moving around and hitting its twin.  I just want that baby to be left alone!  I also can't let myself spiral down because I have this other little baby that has to be taken care of.  I need to make sure I eat and rest so that this baby can keep growing and thrive.  That's so hard to do but thankfully I have a great husband who is forcing me to eat.

So right now I am lost and don't know where to turn, but I know over time it will get better.  I still have another little one to take care of.  The next 2 weeks are going to be stressful while we wait for our next u/s but I know we'll get through this.

Rest in peace my little baby angel and say hi to your 2 siblings for me.  You will always hold a special place in my heart and we will tell your brother/sister about you and show them your picture.