Today was a very difficult day. We found out that one of our precious twins did not make it. Seems he/she passed away shortly after our last ultrasound.
Looking back I knew something was wrong since Thursday. I started to experience some bleeding and very mild cramping. The bleeding stayed brown and very light so I tried to convince myself it was nothing. I was seeing my OB the following week so no point in doing anything right? Even if I had gotten checked right away it would not have changed the outcome but I knew deep down something was wrong but I brushed it off as being paranoid. Brown bleeding is nothing to worry about right? It stopped by Sunday so I hoped everything was ok.
This morning we had our first OB appointment. I went in with excitement but was pretty stressed and hoping we'd get some reassurance. It's routine to go for an u/s before appointments when you're high risk so that's what we did.
I knew right away when I got to get a good look at the screen that something was wrong. One baby was wriggly and kicking all over the place, the other was much smaller (looked the same as last time really) and not moving. There was no flicker. The tech wasn't supposed to tell us anything but I point blank asked her to confirm that there was no heartbeat and she confirmed my fear.
We were then led directly to an office where we got to meat the OB for the first time and he confirmed for sure that one twin was gone. Thankfully the other baby is doing great, measuring right on track, at 11 weeks strong heartbeat of 171. He confirmed to us that physically, losing one twin has little impact on the second twin, if anything it gives this little guy a better chance since a singleton pregnancy is way less risky than a twin. Emotionally however it's a different story. We are going back in 2 weeks for IPS testing and another u/s. If everything looks good we might see him once more a month later but oherwise we go back to my GP as a normal low risk singleton pregnancy.
I am having a hard time dealing with all of this. I know I should be thankful for the one remaining but it's hard to be right now. I am just missing the one that is gone. It's sort of like telling someone who has an older child who has a miscarriage that at least they have that child. It doesn't make that loss hurt less.
With a normal miscarriage you get the physical side of things that helps make things more real and concrete so you can deal and move on. I don't have that. Instead I am carrying my dead baby inside me. It may get reabsorbed or it may just stay there for the remainder of the pregnancy. I found it hard seeing the other baby kicking and moving around and hitting its twin. I just want that baby to be left alone! I also can't let myself spiral down because I have this other little baby that has to be taken care of. I need to make sure I eat and rest so that this baby can keep growing and thrive. That's so hard to do but thankfully I have a great husband who is forcing me to eat.
So right now I am lost and don't know where to turn, but I know over time it will get better. I still have another little one to take care of. The next 2 weeks are going to be stressful while we wait for our next u/s but I know we'll get through this.
Rest in peace my little baby angel and say hi to your 2 siblings for me. You will always hold a special place in my heart and we will tell your brother/sister about you and show them your picture.
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
Friday, June 24, 2011
9 weeks 1 day
I've been bad about blogging lately. I've been debating whether I should continue now that I'm pregnant and following the lead of another pregnant infertile I've been following, I decided to continue. It'll be a nice way of documenting my pregnancy.
First things first, last week we had another ultrasound. To our great surprise, there was another baby in there! It's twins! At 8 weeks 0 days, Baby A was measuring 8weeks 2 days and Baby B (who is apparantly less photogenic than Baby A) was measuring 8 weeks 3 days. Both had strong heartbeats of 176!
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Overall I've been feeling good, I'm just sooo excited to finally be pregnant and to have 2 little ones on the way is so exciting and so scary all at the same time!
Morning sickness has been bad but it's now pretty controlled with the help of diclectin. I found out the hard way this week that missing one dose is not a good thing. I kept absolutely nothing down the next day!
My belly is also already starting to grow. I definately need to get my but in gear and start taking pictures! I have very few items of clothing that still fit me, so I'll be going mat clothes shopping this weekend. I can't wait. It is the coolest thing to feel my belly starting to get hard. I'm definately at the is she gaining weight or is she pregnant stage. However if I keep growing at this rate it won't take long to look pregnant!
First OB appointment is in 12 days, can't wait!
First things first, last week we had another ultrasound. To our great surprise, there was another baby in there! It's twins! At 8 weeks 0 days, Baby A was measuring 8weeks 2 days and Baby B (who is apparantly less photogenic than Baby A) was measuring 8 weeks 3 days. Both had strong heartbeats of 176!
Overall I've been feeling good, I'm just sooo excited to finally be pregnant and to have 2 little ones on the way is so exciting and so scary all at the same time!
Morning sickness has been bad but it's now pretty controlled with the help of diclectin. I found out the hard way this week that missing one dose is not a good thing. I kept absolutely nothing down the next day!
My belly is also already starting to grow. I definately need to get my but in gear and start taking pictures! I have very few items of clothing that still fit me, so I'll be going mat clothes shopping this weekend. I can't wait. It is the coolest thing to feel my belly starting to get hard. I'm definately at the is she gaining weight or is she pregnant stage. However if I keep growing at this rate it won't take long to look pregnant!
First OB appointment is in 12 days, can't wait!
Thursday, May 26, 2011
Ultra sound results are in
Well we had our ultra sound this morning and we have one little bean growing! At this point it is much too early to see much, even the sac itself is still super tiny, nevermind seeing if there's anything growing in it.
So as it stands now we have an early gestational sac growing in the uterus and measuring right on target for my dates.
Our next ultrasound is in 3 weeks on June 16th. At that point we'll be able to see our little bean as well as it's heartbeat. I can't wait!
The doctor also gave me a prescription for diclectin. I am already starting with the nausea so this way I have it on hand if/when things get worse. Never thought I would actually be happy to feel sick! So far it just makes things more real and exciting. Probably won't say the same thing in a few weeks but right now I am enjoying all the not so fun pregnancy things since I am soooo grateful to be in this situation.
So as it stands now we have an early gestational sac growing in the uterus and measuring right on target for my dates.
Our next ultrasound is in 3 weeks on June 16th. At that point we'll be able to see our little bean as well as it's heartbeat. I can't wait!
The doctor also gave me a prescription for diclectin. I am already starting with the nausea so this way I have it on hand if/when things get worse. Never thought I would actually be happy to feel sick! So far it just makes things more real and exciting. Probably won't say the same thing in a few weeks but right now I am enjoying all the not so fun pregnancy things since I am soooo grateful to be in this situation.
Saturday, May 21, 2011
A little secret
Well, now that we've told the parents.... I think it's safe to put this here.
Took a test Wednesday and Thursday and saw this (top is Wednesday, bottom is Thursday) I apologize for the quality of the picture, it was taken with my phone.
Had my bloodwork done yesterday and beta came back at 354 and progesterone 127. It's official, we're pregnant!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
To compare numbers, my first pregnancy, at equivalent date, beta was 50 and progesterond about 27. I was told that was too low and not a good pregnancy, they were right.
Second pregnancy, beta 2 days later than this was 37 and progesterone 38. Stopped the meds and progesterone dropped to 3. This pregnancy was ectopic.
The nurse said that in 2 days from now they want it definately over 100 to be viable and ideally over 300. We're already there!
Our first ultrasound is scheduled for Thursday to rule out for sure another ectopic and to see if it's one or two! It will be too early for a heartbeat but we should be able to see a baby as a little blob :)
I am over the moon happy right now and since this is probably our last chance at being pregnant no matter what the outcome, I will try and enjoy every minute of it and crossing my finger we're in this for another 9 months. Our due date is January 25th :)
If you know me in real life, please keep this a secret for now, extended family have not been told the news yet and probably won't until we see a heartbeat.
Took a test Wednesday and Thursday and saw this (top is Wednesday, bottom is Thursday) I apologize for the quality of the picture, it was taken with my phone.
Had my bloodwork done yesterday and beta came back at 354 and progesterone 127. It's official, we're pregnant!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
To compare numbers, my first pregnancy, at equivalent date, beta was 50 and progesterond about 27. I was told that was too low and not a good pregnancy, they were right.
Second pregnancy, beta 2 days later than this was 37 and progesterone 38. Stopped the meds and progesterone dropped to 3. This pregnancy was ectopic.
The nurse said that in 2 days from now they want it definately over 100 to be viable and ideally over 300. We're already there!
Our first ultrasound is scheduled for Thursday to rule out for sure another ectopic and to see if it's one or two! It will be too early for a heartbeat but we should be able to see a baby as a little blob :)
I am over the moon happy right now and since this is probably our last chance at being pregnant no matter what the outcome, I will try and enjoy every minute of it and crossing my finger we're in this for another 9 months. Our due date is January 25th :)
If you know me in real life, please keep this a secret for now, extended family have not been told the news yet and probably won't until we see a heartbeat.
Monday, May 16, 2011
Half way there
Well made it through the first half of the dreaded 2 week wait. Unfortunately I've been sick through most of it. I caught a stupid cold that just doesn't seem to want to let go. At first it was more of a head cold and now it's moved down to my lungs. And of course I can't take anything to help with the symptoms. I really hope I am suffering through this for a reason!
My spirits so far have been good. I've been trying to not get my hopes up too much but it's been hard not to. I catch myself getting hopeful and excited but I keep trying to push that part down and away but it's definitely there. I'm just so scared of being hurt again. I am also very scared to test now and I almost prefer not knowing it's better than knowing it didn't work but on the flip side if it did, I'd like to know sooner rather than later!
My spirits so far have been good. I've been trying to not get my hopes up too much but it's been hard not to. I catch myself getting hopeful and excited but I keep trying to push that part down and away but it's definitely there. I'm just so scared of being hurt again. I am also very scared to test now and I almost prefer not knowing it's better than knowing it didn't work but on the flip side if it did, I'd like to know sooner rather than later!
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
PUPO again
Well I am officially PUPO (pregnant until proven otherwise) again.
Out of our 7 embryos, 2 had arrested completely, 3 were very slow growing and not of freezable quality, 2 had made it to an early blast stage, one of which was of average quality and one was below average. We transfred both of the blasts. Our first cycle when we made it to a 5 day transfer, both blasts had been of average quality.
I am pretty happy with the outcome so far and now we just wait. The odds of this cycle working out is about 50% and we are hoppy our little embryos are snuggling in nicely :)
Out of our 7 embryos, 2 had arrested completely, 3 were very slow growing and not of freezable quality, 2 had made it to an early blast stage, one of which was of average quality and one was below average. We transfred both of the blasts. Our first cycle when we made it to a 5 day transfer, both blasts had been of average quality.
I am pretty happy with the outcome so far and now we just wait. The odds of this cycle working out is about 50% and we are hoppy our little embryos are snuggling in nicely :)
Saturday, May 7, 2011
No news is good news
Well the clinic didn't call today so that means we are still on track for a day 5 transfer. Yay!!!!!
I never thought we'd get a day 5 transfer so I hadn't even booked Tuesday off. Looks like I need to call my boss and tell him I'll be only be back on Wednesday.
I never thought we'd get a day 5 transfer so I hadn't even booked Tuesday off. Looks like I need to call my boss and tell him I'll be only be back on Wednesday.
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