Well I finally made it to the 2nd trimester and we still had a heartbeat on Tuesday! I got super stressed when the doctor couldn't find it at first and started talking about sending me for an ultrasound. Thank goodness she was eventually able to find it and it was at a nice 160 :)
I am still having a hard time wrapping my head around the fact that this should be it. We should have a baby in about 5.5 months. It definately still feels weird and I feel like it's only a dream and reality will swoop in at any point. I am able to window shop, talk to people about plans but when it comes to making any of those concrete it kind of freaks me out. People have started asking if we've started picking things up for the baby so I've been giving them the excuse we are waiting to find out the gender first. At least that buys me a little time.
A friend of mine is a doula and texted me a few days ago that she had one spot open in January and did I want it. Making that commitment has been one of the hardest things so far and had I not known the doula personally or the other VERY generous friend who will be covering the bill for us as a gift I don't think I could have done it. I am however thankful to them for making me take that first step. Still freaking out a little on the inside though and wondering if I've jinxed myself now.
All that being said, I do feel incredibly blessed and thankful to be in the situation I am in today and though I am still fucked up emotionally, I wouldn't trade it for the world (well other than being able to get my other baby back too)
