She showed up!

Well AF finally showed up one week late.  This was actually the longest cycle I've had in about 3 years not counting when I had my miscarriages.

I called it in to the clinic.  Usually they require me to pay the cryo fee (fee to freeze any leftover embryos) upfront before they even send my file to the nurses.  However this time they didn't ask for it?  We haven't anything to freeze in either of our two previous cycles so I am not too worried about it.  They would have just ended up having to refund it back to us anyay.

I also found it funny how the nurse was explaining to me how things were going to work over the cycle.  After hearing by bored sounding answers she was like "You've done this before, haven't you."  Umm, this will be the third time same protocol, same doses,  did she not look at my file before calling??  She then asks me if I wanted a teaching visit.  Umm, no thanks I think I know how to inject myself by now :P  I rather not take time off work I don't have to.

At least we got the ball rolling now.  Next step is testing for ovulation starting next week.  Once I get a positive OPK (ovulation perdictor kit) then I call that in and wait again for 10 more days.  That's when the fun really starts.  Lots of boring waiting for the next 3 weeks but from experience I know they will fly by.

Crossing my fingers and toes that third time's the charm!

AF is MIA

Where or where is AF?  She was due on Saturday.  One of the few times I am looking forward to her arrival so that we can get his show on the road she is MIA.

Before anybody asks, I am 100% sure I am not pregnant so it's not because of that.  It's also been a pretty stressful month so I am pretty sure that's the cause.  These are the times I wish I was charting again.  I know I had ovulation signs for almost a week after when I should have ovulated so I knew this was going to be a possibility but was really hoping my body would behave.

I am really hoping that by posting this, she'll finally show up :P

Once she comes,  we call in our day 1,  pay the clinic the fee for freezing (which we get back if there is nothing to freeze) and then we wait some more.  Things will only start moving about 3 weeks after I call in my day 1.

Reality setting in

This morning was not such a good morning.  Reality is setting in that there is a very real possibility that I will never have that biological child.  I will most likely never be able to look at my child and see myself in them, never see my familie's traits.  This has always been something I did not think I cared about but now that I am faced with it I guess it seems I do.  Don't get me wrong, the yearn to have children his stronger than the need for a bio child so we will definately pursue adoption or donor eggs but for now I am mourning my fertility.

I guess this is probably at the core of why I want to get this next cycle started as soon as possible.  I need to know one way or another whether I should be closing the door on the prospect of a bio child.  I feel like by waiting to cycle it's like pulling a band aid off slowly and just stretching out the process.  I also compare it to dangling that carrot just out of my reach.  There's that little bit of hope of getting that child that feels like if I just stretch hard enough maybe I could grasp it.  The longer it's hanging there the more cruel it seems.

Follow-up appointment

Well we had our follow up with the specialist today.  We got pretty much the answers we expected which was none really.

He showed us the embryologist report which had a paragraph in bold that was basically medical jargon for my eggs were crap and there was a definate egg quality issue this time that was not there 6 months earlier.

When we asked the doctor if it was my reserve that deterioated that badly over 6 months, we were told it was "hard to tell"  so bascially it's a crapshoot whether our next cycle will be closer to the first time or similar or worse to the second.

On paper,  the stimulation,  hormone levels looked even better than the first time and just goes to show you that you really don't know what you have until you get in there.

We got the go ahead that we can now try again at any time.  We'll be kept on the same protocol and same doses and will cross our fingers that 3rd times a charm!  There is also now a note in our file to give me more happy drugs at the next retrieval,  hopefully that will help with the pain.

Now the issue is that I want to get right back on the horse and call in my next day 1. (AF is 10 days away so stims would still only start in about 6 weeks with the egg retrieval and what not still about 8 weeks away)
My husband however wants to wait another cycle.  It looks like we have some more discussions on the this issue in our future